going home acted like a cast, holding me still, setting the breaks. phone was ignorable, and the tv put me to sleep at night. i forgot about the mindless hum of television, soft and dull, crackling away and strangely connecting me. i did like the fireplace though. i sat in front of it every day, trying to get my blood pumping. now i am back. my bed has never felt better, i need something soft for the hard lines i seem to have acumulated. the window never looked bigger, i will need the sunlight.
he showed me the power of the future, the idea that i can be above all this. and i still believe in that much.
i know i am sad when i place it all in tomorrows. but hope is something i have for myself, regardless of losing hope in others.
when what you think you knew is no longer, you either go into reaction mode or the way of a new plan, to get you up and out.
i mostly just want to be alone, i want nothing familiar, because the unfamiliar can't build you up or let you down. maybe i will read again, maybe my brain will start working soon. words might do something, or maybe my eyes will just gloss over, as they have for months now. numb it or overfill it, nothing in between. you have seen to taking away any grey for me.
it is what it is, he would say. you are damn right.
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