After Dark

the scales will always be tipped, because memory is stronger than reality it seems.

so far i have read half of the book i bought this afternoon. i wish i was alone in my house tonight, i wish for silence and the hardest loneliness i could handle. and then to fall asleep with the lights on, the only way it seems my body wants to rest, half-lit and not really in sleep mode, i somehow shut off. it's like a sneak attack on myself, when i least expect it, my eyes can close on their own, no struggle.

last night too tired to argue, i fell asleep in his arms. lucky for both of us, with his yellow walls and the sun piercing the room, i woke with the ability to keep it all up.

i still smile when the sky is blue and i still get sad when the day is grey, that much is the same. i'm still in here, a mix of more tomorrows and so many yesterdays which i thought i had dodged from.

to feel comfort and guilt all in one blow, it's strong. i have never known a body so proportionately muscular, with purpose, skin so sweet. too sweet, the whole thing, maybe just simple enough to keep the guilt at bay though. i am comfortable because i am just easy as pie. now it is me holding this game together.
i'm tired though, always tired so it won't be long.